Connect
To Top

Bad Santa’s Evil Plan for the Muth Kids this Year

OK, here’s a special Christmas Eve treat for Silver State Confidential subscribers that’ll give you an “insider” look at just what’s going to happen tonight and tomorrow morning at our house.

There’s an old Muth family tradition that we’ve established with Santa Claus over the last couple of generations. You see, when the kids go to bed on Christmas Eve at our house, nothing but a few small Christmas decorations are up – some battery-powered “candles” in the windows and a Santa statue on the dining room table. But other than that, the house looks exactly like it does the rest of the year.

Now, by mutual agreement Santa not only brings all of the presents while the kids are nestled in their beds asleep, but he sets up the tree and decorates it as well. He also strings lights around the room, sets up an electric train to circle under the tree and spray paints “snow” on the windows before hopping in his sleigh (after having a Grand Marnier or two, but don’t tell the kids or the cops!) and heading off to the next house.

Which means when the kids go to bed on Christmas Eve, the house is normal….but when they wake up Christmas morning, the living room is a freaking Winter Wonderland….a Christmas Miracle!

Yes, it’s a pain in the royal pitoot for Santa to be up decorating the tree and stringing lights around the room at 2 o’clock in the morning, especially when he’s half-snockered…but it’s worth every late night minute. The looks on the kids’ faces when they walk into that room are simply priceless and the memories are irreplaceable. I strongly encourage any and all new parents to strike a similar deal with Santa. It’s a fabulous tradition.

That said, Santa and I have agreed to pull a little prank on the Muth kids this year….and if you see us around town today, please don’t spill the beans!

First, here’s the layout of our house. My home-office is in a separate room at the front of the house. The kids’ bedroom is upstairs. And the living room where Santa would usually set up the Christmas tree and leave the presents is all the way at the back of the house.

The important thing to know here is that the kids won’t go anywhere near my office as they run down the stairs and to the back of the house to find the tree and see what Santa brought them.

Only this year…

Instead of the big tree being where they expect it, they’re going to find just a little two-foot “Charlie Brown” Christmas tree with one ornament on it and just three gift-wrapped Slinkies along with a letter (click here to see the actual letter) from Santa which will read as follows:

You Muth kids were definitely on my “nice” list again this year; however…

Thanks to President Obama and the Democrats, I had to fire half my elves and close down two of my three toy factories. So even all the good kids on my list are only getting a few small gifts and tiny Christmas trees this year.

I’m really, really sorry.

Fortunately, the Republicans (except that naughty John Ensign) came in to save the day last week and forced Obama and the Democrats to give up on their plans to raise our taxes next year, so let’s hope I’ll be able to fill all the space under a huge tree again for you next Christmas!

Thanks again for the milk and cookies and carrots for the reindeer. Alas, again because of the cutbacks thanks to Obama and the Democrats, I had to lay off Donner and Blitzen. They’re back at the North Pole trying to hide from Sarah Palin! That lady is a meanie.

Happy New Year!

Yeah, it’s a mean trick…and I can’t wait to see how my kids respond. But of course, the real surprise is yet to come!

Santa has agreed to set up the big tree, string the lights around the room and leave all the real presents in my office which, again, the kids won’t go anywhere near on their way to the living room in the back of the house. And before he leaves, Santa will hang a big envelope with the word “GOTCHA!” in big letters on the tree.

Now eventually, Gia and I will ask the kids to go outside and feed the cat….a trip that will require them to go through my office…and viola – the real magic will begin!

And here’s what the letter inside the big “GOTCHA!” envelope will say (click here to see the actual letter):

Hey, Kristen, Jenna and CJ…I was just fooling with ya. Did you really think I would only bring you a tiny tree and three tiny presents?

Your mom and dad tell me that you are the greatest kids in the whole wide world and…heck, you know you should never argue with your mom and your dad is always right, right?

OK, not always. But he thinks he is, so let’s humor him.

Anyway, there is one present for you that I wasn’t able to put on the sleigh because it was too heavy and Rudolph pulled a groin muscle. I’ve included a picture of it inside this envelope. [It’s a small kids’ pool table] Some friends of mine who live in Las Vegas will bring it out to your house next week and set it up for you.

Again, Merry Christmas….and I hope my little prank didn’t upset you too much! Eat your veggies, do your times tables every day on Math-U-See, keep working on your spilling…oops, I mean “spelling”…read lots of books…and, oh yeah, don’t forget to play a lot and have lots of fun NO MATTER WHAT YOUR FATHER SAYS!

Ho, ho, ho!!! I would say “See you next year,” but as my friend John Cena [my son’s favorite professional wrestler] likes to say, “You…can’t…see…me!”

Your friend,
Santa

I guess Santa and I have a little evil streak in us. Anyway, it ought to be one heck of a fun and unusual Christmas for the Muth kids tomorrow morning. And I hope you and yours have a wonderful Christmas Day, as well. Ho, ho, HO!