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Lower than Rat Turds

I’ve hesitated to write about this all week.

I mean, it’s about my private life and is just so embarrassing to me personally that I, frankly, really didn’t know how to handle it. But the truth was bound to come out sooner or later, so figured I better just tell “y’all” myself before you hear about it from someone else.

Question: Would a former state assemblyman using a fake twitter name write about an anonymous tip about an anonymous Facebook post accusing me of having an extramarital affair?

Sure would.

Indeed, former Nevada Republican State Assemblyman Mark “SureWould” Sherwood – whose single inglorious term in office included an incident where he removed his tie in a caucus meeting, wrapped it around his forehead and proceeded to run around the room making rat-a-tat-tat machine gun sounds trying to imitate “Rambo” – has been hiding behind a fake Internet name, “Idiot Muth,” for the past year or so.

What a clever boy. I’m told it took him six months to come up with that one.

Anyway, on the morning of July 30, last Tuesday, SureWould, using his fake Twitter name, suddenly started “Following” me on Twitter. A few minutes later, at 10:43 am, he posted the following:

“@ChuckMuth I just got an anonymous tip you might be very interested in denying. Follow me so we can take the conversation offline.”

Ah, yes. A guy who doesn’t have the testicles to even tweet using his real name receives an anonymous “tip” and I’m going to “Follow” him on Twitter so I can deny to him “privately” whatever the hell it is he’s talking about? On what planet was this goof born?

Oh, that’s right. Uranus.

Truly, when I’ve written before that this is the most psychologically impaired elected official I’ve ever met in politics, I’ve understated the reality. Indeed, it is now painfully obvious that Mark SureWould fell out of the Stupid Tree as a child and hit every branch on the way down.

But back to the story…

Frustrated by my failure to “Follow” him on Twitter, SureWould then sent the following email to me at 11:28 am, and copied liberal blogger Jon Ralston:

“I really hope this tip is false. I’m sitting on this pending your response. Please confirm.”

“Sitting on it, pending my response.” Like he’s some kind of modern-day Woodward and Bernstein. This guy really does live in a fantasy world.

In the email, SureWould copy-and-pasted another email that was forwarded to him by someone with their name “XXX’ed” out. In the body of the email was a screen shot of the following comment posted anonymously on, I believe, the Clark County GOP’s Facebook page:

“My name
Looks like Muth will have to find a new girlfriend since Lake is no longer useful to him. Poor Lake, being thrown out like yesterdays garbage has gotta be hard- lets see if she can take it as well as she could dish it out. Just on a sidenote: the people I really feel sorry for are these two wackjobs spouses. Are they really that oblivious? How completely embarrassing for them that the entire world knows about this affair but they apparently dont.
12:36 a.m., Tuesday July 30”

Ah, yes. And anonymous allegation without substantiation by an English major. I mean, what could be more credible than that?

By the way, the “Lake” these rat turds are referring to is former Clark County GOP Chairwoman Cindy Lake. But unfortunately for anyone hoping this blockbuster “smoking gun” Facebook allegation would result in an Anthony Weiner/Huma Abedin stand-by-your-man press conference with me and my wife, Gia…

Not.

Instead, Gia asked me to release this official statement from her in response…

“I’m actually quite relieved to learn of this. The truth is, I’ve been carrying on a secret romance of my own for nearly twenty years with one of Chuck’s best friends, George Harris, and have been wracked with guilt over it!

“Indeed, I was scared to death that Chuck would find out seven years ago when our son CJ was born bald and with a dark complexion. I thought for sure that would tip him off! I’m just so relieved that this is now all out in the open.”

Damn! How could I not have seen that?

Sure, George has been coming over to the house delivering milk a couple days a week – even though home milk deliveries ended sometime back in the 70’s – while I’m volunteering down at the orphanage. And when he’d say, “I’m just here to service your wife’s jugs,” I honestly thought he was moonlighting at Anderson Dairy to help fund his tequila empire.

So I guess it turns out that *I’M* the oblivious one!

Naturally, I didn’t take this news very well, so I called George and reached him on his yacht off the coast of Ensenada and demanded an explanation.

“It all started out innocently enough,” he explained, while puffing on a Monte Cristo. “We were just sitting at the breakfast table in your house; me in my fake, starched, bright-white milkman uniform, and your wife in her burqa. After getting up to pour us both a tall glass of milk, she reached into the freezer and plopped some ice cubes into her glass.

“Well, I love ice cubes in my milk, too! Neither of us had ever met anyone else who drank their milk ‘on the rocks’ and, well, one thing led to another and it all just got out of control from there. I’m really sorry this happened.”

So it’s all out in the open now, thanks to crackjack reporting by the intrepid Mark SureWould who followed up on an anonymous “tip” from an anonymous Facebook post. I guess I was completely wrong about that guy. He truly is an investigative genius in the mold of the Sherlock Holmes!

Of course, everyone with an IQ over room temperature knows all of this crud is made up, including the responses from George and Gia. But would a dumbass, lower-than-rat-turds former assemblyman-turned-sleuth believe it?

Sure would.