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The Tales of Wiley Virus

It seems every few months some fool crawls out from under his or her rock and all but begs me club them over the head like a baby seal. There was Frances “Slasher” Allen, Nathan “Li’l Nate” Taylor, Jeff “Chem-Trail” Greenspan and Robert “Hollow Head” Holloway.

With that in mind, meet Mike Wiley.

There’s so much inanity surrounding this jokester that it’s hard to decide where to start. But let’s begin with the fact that he’s a Republican convert who worked to keep the Democrats in power in 1994 as a Democrat candidate in Florida and was only recently beamed into Nevada by space aliens from the planet Uranus.

From what I have gathered from Wiley’s wigged-out emails recently, his claim to fame is that he ran as a Democrat in the Florida primary in 1994 against Hillary Clinton’s brother, Hugh Rodham, for which the Clintons apparently, at least in his mind, are still having him followed by black helicopters. (Actually, as my friend Grover Norquist will tell you, they’re really dark blue.)

In any event, now Wiley has graciously brought his major-league paranoia and self-important circus act to Nevada to do us a favor via a ridiculous effort to obtain the GOP nomination to run against Sen. Harry Reid next year. Oh, joy.

Wiley attended last week’s Tea Party Express rally in Las Vegas (he was the guy wearing the tinfoil hat in the third row behind Robert Holloway) and proceeded to rip apart the three leading, legitimate and credible Republican candidates in the Reid race in an email to supporters (both of them) afterward (this was before Mark Amodei threw his hat in the ring).

“Danny Tarkanian seems to be a nice guy,” Wiley wrote, “but I am afraid they would chew him up. I have gone up against the Clinton’s before, I have heard their threats and I am still standing.”

Something tells me the threats Mr. Wiley is hearing are only coming from the voices in his own head. And apparently the man doesn’t even realize the opponent in this NEVADA race is Harry Reid and not Hillary Clinton (or her brother). Details, details.

Wiley went on to write that Sharron Angle was a nice person, too, but then ripped her a new one for, get this, “wasting time” reading the entire proposed health care reform bill. Yeah, we can’t have U.S. senators actually reading the bills they vote on, can we Mr. Wiley?

As for Sue Lowden, Wiley said he bumped into her at the Tea Party rally (check your wallet, Sue!) and writes that she “seems like a nice person, very attractive woman, maybe she could get Bill Clinton to stump for her.”

Huh? What’s Bill Clinton got to do with this? Are you starting to detect an obsession here, folks?

Wiley then went on to report that he refused to take my 20 Question test – as if I ever asked him to. The 20 Question test is designed to separate the men from the boys, not the nuts from the squirrels.

Funny thing is, it was actually radio talk-show host Heidi Harris who told him to complete the survey before she would consider interviewing him on her show. Wiley refused, telling all of his supporters, both of them, in his email that Heidi and I thought he was “rude” for not doing so.

Now, I can’t speak for Heidi, but I never said he was rude. In fact, I wrote him back assuring him that I merely thought he was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

But I don’t want to unnecessarily prejudice those of you who haven’t heard of or from the illustrious Mr. Wiley yet. But consider how he wrapped up his post-Tea Party email rant (grammar and spelling in the original):

“And let me tell you, if they take me down because I won’t go down, then you’ll have the Jefferson Solution. As the Air force Colonel said, in the move ‘Red Dawn’ when he was mortally wounded on the tank with a hand grenade in his hand, ‘Shoot straight you army pukes.’”

Yeah, he’s Senate material alright.

And what exactly is the “Jefferson Solution” anyway? Is he talkin’ ‘bout George and Weezy movin’ on up to the East Side?

But the best thing about this, folks, is that the Tale of Wiley Virus only gets better, meaning more bizarre – including a lawsuit threat yesterday. Wahoo!! Stay tuned for….the rest of the story.